Fear of Man

Well, I've been thinking, which usually doesn't turn out well when it comes to me...but ah well.

Last week, exactly a week ago actually, I officialy left WICs (my school). And it just doesnt seem real at all. I cant believe its all finished. And the more I think about it, the more I get this horrible feeling that I didn't make the most out of it while I was there.

Pretty much the whole four years I've been there I've been in a struggle against my fear of man and pride. Thats basically all it is. I'm not quiet by choice. I just feel completely tied down and unable to break out of the habit. At times its been really horrible to be honest.

I came from homeschooling, straight into a school situation that was completely new to me and it took a while to get into the hang of how everything social worked. Having always been a little unsure of myself, (coupled with a morbid fear of James Graham), it just seemed easier to keep quiet, especially when I had Anna and Bethany with me, with whom I had no inhibitions.

By the time I realised that I needed more than just one or two friends, I was so set in my habits that I found it daunting to try and break free of them. Everything I said seemed to sound so stupid, and to me, seemed to be brushed off by everybody I talked to. I was always having brief short moments of laughter and friendship with people, but I was never anybody's friend.

Now, I've been at the point where I've started measuring the success of my day by how well I did socially. I don't feel worth anything unless people think of me or want to talk to me.
and it is really really hard to involve yourself with people who just expect you to be the way you've always been. quiet. It's hard to work against a preconception. You don't know what to say, simply because no ones told you anything, or you havent been involved in anything that they have.

plus, jealousy doesnt help either. when you start viewing people as better than you- thats the killer. suddenly, you cant be anything they are not. You want their approval, - its not because I care so much if they flat out tell me they hate me or something,- its more that I want them to like me, and not just be indifferent to me.

and the stupid thing about all this is that it is all completely in my head. totally made up. just gradually built up over years of overthinking everything through. Plus, an awful lot of pride and self consciousness.
The worst thing is- I know exactly what it is. I know that there is no point to me feeling or thinking this way. That if my confidence is found in God alone, then nothing else matters, and the feeling of intimidation fades completely. But when you actually walk in through the door on a monday, your mind just goes blank. I cant think of anything remotely interesting to say. Which, if you follow the whole twisted thing through, leads to the prideful assumption that I am not an interesting person, therefore no one is interested in me, therefore I am only just tolerated, but never actually required in anyones life. Nobody needs me. They would get on just fine without me.

Which of course, if I was thinking the way I should, prompts the question; so what? So what if no one needs me? what does it matter? So what if no one thinks of me when they organise a film night? So what if no one notices I sit around the lunch circle until a year after I joined it? this is all just self pity isnt it?
and I hate self pity. and I am the worst self pitier in the world.
Sometimes I really despise my heart, and the way I think.
which is good, because at least I have an accurate assesment of what I am.
But I'm sort of missing the second part of the story. Or I'm missing its application.

If my happiness, peace and contentment is forever defined by what other people think of me, or how I think that they think of me, or what social succes I have, or how close a friend I am to people, or anything like that really... I'm in for one heck of an uncomfortable life.

If my happiness, peace and contentment is defined by how well life is going for me, my situations, my family my circumstances, same thing applies.

"as surely as sparks fly upward, man is born to trouble."

My confidence, security and purpose has GOT to be outside of myself. Its got to be objective, not subjective. I cannot put my hope in things that will change. because then, along with them, the succes and failure of my hopes will too. which is all just logical thinking really.

So, it seems so simple. God is neverfailing, never changing, always faithful. He is a sure foundation for all my hope.

"my hope rests firm on Jesus Christ."

But when people seem bigger than you to God, suddenly this option does not seem so good.
When you value peoples opinions more than Gods; when you start living for the audience of people rather than the audience of one; it seems as though putting your hope entirely in God is second best. when people are bigger, you don't find your confidence in God. You desire their good approval more than you desire God's.
therefore, as people change, so does your confidence.

story of my life.

so the logical conclusion:

God has got be the only one I serve.
He has got be the only one I live for, the only one I seek to please.
Jesus has got to be the centre.
It's got to be all or nothing.

But at the same time, I dont want myself to determine to strive to put Jesus the centre of everything for the sake of my confidence, peace and happiness. surely, thats not right.
A selfish motive for living purely for God?
What a total MESS I've got myself into.
I don't know what to do.
sometimes I think about becoming a monk and cutting myself off from people until I learn the lesson to depend on God only.
Joking, by the way.
But I can kind of see the advantage.

Sometimes I just wish I was Janelle. =(

Anyway, I really felt like ordering all of this in my head.
if anyone read through it all the way to the end they deserve a medal.
I'm confident God will work in me and change me.
I guess I'll wait and see what he does.
x

White Winter

So, I'm sitting here, with two jumpers on AND a pair of socks, because it so unbelievably cold down here!
This is seriously the coldest december I can remember (hey that rhymes)- all the animals are practically without water because I cannot keep it from freezing over within a few hours.
The ground is covered with snow and it looks great... if only my camera wasn't dead. =(
Anyways, this month- I was baptised!
It felt great to do. I needed to do it, I needed to obey God, so it was good.
I seriously wish I'd gotten a haircut first though, because looking back on the video, my poor excuse of a fringe keeps falling into my eyes and getting in my way,- its not a nice sight.

It's the christmas holidays, and I'm all on my own again. I don't like it, but I haven't collapsed in a twisted heap (yet) like last time. It's just this feeling of loneliness and unimportance, while everybody around me is leading this fantastic life- Janelle's flying to Florida right now, to be with all her amazing American friends who I wish I could be, the girls in church are all gearing up for a great christmas with their families- I'm just trying not to burst in to tears everytime I think about it.

It seems like there is nothing significant about my life right now. I try to turn to other things to forget that this christmas "family" isn't going to be a nice encounter, only to find that nearly every other aspect of my life is going downhill too. Friendships aren't great, the house is a mess, dad isn't great, our christmas tree is artificial (!) We are sorely lacking that lovely "gather around the fire together" fellowship. I am so feeling the absence of a good group of friends who I can talk to freely and enjoy these holidays with. Even though I have the oppurtunities to be part of something like that, I can't do it, I can't seem to talk, or participate- I'm just an add-on trailing behind the group.

And although these are such small matters compared to the wider scale of things, its hard not to listen to these thoughts when you're all alone in the house the day before christmas eve.

I really really wish I was Janelle sometimes!

but then it struck me last night- that all the people I wish I knew, or was close to or was enjoying the company of- all the lovely interesting aspects of their characters- was created by God, who in His character has every facet of loveliness you could imagine- and He is here with me all the time.- He's really the best company.

So that's what motivated me to get out my study bible this morning and spend some time in 1 Peter.
Even though I didn't feel immediately "transformed", I feel better for knowing I've actually done something worth something today.

Dad and I might go late night shopping tonight, - it will probably be the highlight of my week! (sad, I know).

Maybe one day, christmas holidays will be a nice wholesome time again.. for now, I've just got to keep my eyes on Jesus, my only hope.

... And In His Glory We Will Live........

This evening I feel rather tired, downtrodden and sad. I came home to a dark, cold, empty house today. No Joanna singing in her room, no Basshunter music from Tim in the computer room, no mum to watch Gilmore Girls with. No way I can regain it. ever. Going over her house is a disturbing experience. She is not the person I confide in anymore. It's not real. its not proper. Its horrible. Its just another thing she always fails to understand.

Yet listening to this song tonight, "There is a day"- which ironically was a favourite of my mum and dads back when, and I remember how fantastic my hope is.

"There is a day that all creations waiting for, a day of freedom and liberation for the earth. and on that day the Lord will come to meet His bride. and when we see him in an instant we'll be changed. the trumpet sounds and the dead will then be raised by His power never to perish again,... we will meet him in the air and then we will be like Him, for we will see Him as He is. oh yeah!! Then all hurt and pain will cease and we'll be with Him forever and in His Glory we will live."

I will live with God. No more empty, echoing house, filled with memories and sadness for what is lost. No more mess (I hope!), no more darkness, no more sadness, no more tears, no more sharp stabbing pain at things that mum left here from years ago. Just light and beauty and every good thing, everything I long for now. People and friendship and family. Perfection- worship without a dormant heart, praising and delighting in His presence without a "happy days- its getting late folks, see you next week." Amazing satisfaction for every deferred hope. Walking with Jesus and being like Him. Genuine truth, and genuine love. Spending forever and a day there. Oh I can't wait. I can't wait.

The best and worst of the Summer

Worst-
Anna and Bethany leaving
Being so lonely and having no motivation to do anything
Coming home from SS- and back to reality =(
The fact that I want to see the Holy Spirit present and working and our church doesn't let him in.
Saying bye to Sarah and Ivy
Talking to Mum after SS and realizing that she doesnt think she needs to repent now because she has divorced Dad (she hasn't, yet, not completely legally) and because of this thinking that she is no longer in immorality.


Best-
Holiday Club at Christchurch
having Beth over for 3 days
SOUL SURVIVOR-- Jesus!! The Holy Spirit! Speaking in tounges!
being with Emily, Bryony and the Dainties for 6 days- worshipping in the car on the way back from SS.
Getting to know Emily better
Learning some beautiful worship songs from SS
Transforming my bedroom, and finishing it!
Mike Pilavachi's Irish dancing
Dad coming up for Soul Survivor day 3
The soul survivor smoothies
29th Chapter gigs
Going back to high jump and doing well
Jess Ennis winning world championships heptathlon
Soul survivor doughnuts
Getting lost with Bryony and seeing the "distracting worship leader"
New visions for worshipping God and for relationships
Feeling God's presence again
Going to the Harvester with Dad, Tim and Jo
Soul Survivor worship times, Holy Spirit healing people
realizing that God answers prayers

All in all, it seems the bests outweigh the worsts!
Praise God.
x

I wish I lived in America. and went to American high school, and did track and field high school athletics and watched cheerleaders and understood the term "varsity". And Americans seem to have a ton of friends. And they smile a lot. And they all seem really pretty.

Anyhow, thats all I really wanted to say.

lonely person.
x

I Love God!

Today has been a really hard day, in fact: most of the week has, and the whole year pretty much.
Today I finished school, end of year ten, looking ahead to year eleven, which I still can’t quite believe.
The place I am in life at this moment is so different to how I imagined it would be.
My family live in two houses, my best friends are heading that way too, moving out of the country even…
I know so many people go through these things all the time, and much worse.
Yet, it doesn’t make anything any easier.

Everything is so twisted at the moment.
I never ever thought I would be able to cope with divorcing parents, and now my two best friends who have been with me through it all, are leaving! Not only has Anna left the school, which was big enough for as it was (it seemed almost bigger to me that it did to her!), and now Bethany has left too. She said a tearful goodbye to everyone today, to the teachers, and I still can’t believe it could be the end. I’m beyond upset about it. I love them both so much, although I can’t communicate that fact very well to them, I wish they knew just how much I will miss them.

My old life is so far away from me I can’t even see it.
And while my mum’s off squandering her time in abject sin, all I can think about is the things we are all missing, as I’m surrounded by families and the life they have… I realise how much I loved what I’ve now lost. I imagine what it would be like to have that back for a day…and how much I would savour having a pure, whole, secure family again…how much more I would appreciate it.
And I pray every night to have it back…knowing that God really can do everything, everything I don’t think is possible.

My mum is beyond recognition, the relationship we had is in pieces, from my end anyway.
I really miss the feeling of being loved, and valued, and having confidence in her.
I really really really HATE what she’s done. And I feel the consequences everyday, while she’s living a life of seemingly bliss…with a “family” and everything. My only consolation is that it won’t endure, it really won’t.

I’ve been listening to the song I chose as a kind of “theme” song last year, the day before school started. (It's "Faithful: Brooke Fraser") The summer before was the one mum had moved out and everything was still new and fresh. As I was on my own in the house, sat in the living room sorting my bag for school, with the song playing loudly from the computer room, I said to myself… “this year is going to be really hard, but you have just got to keep trusting God, even when you feel the opposite, and the days get harder and harder to maintain a happy heart, and a hope for the future.” And, although the times I’ve failed are beyond count, and the hardness of my heart, and all the wrong decisions I made, when I put other things above Him are horrible to recall, I’m still here, still trusting, I’m so grateful to God that He kept me.

Praise God that in all these hard times He is constant!!! One thing I throw my whole weight against and He will not shift!!!!!!! And he works all things for good!!!!! For good!
Such worn out phrases- sometimes the words don’t mean much, but the understanding and the concept of what they mean to me is so powerful and so beautiful, I can’t explain how thankful I am to God, and how encouraging He is to me. He’s given me a hope for the future, that no trial now can take away.

A wonderful verse that has been coming to mind a lot recently is, “In this world you will have tribulation, but take heart, I have overcome the world.”

It almost feels like a throwaway comment, like saying, “as if the world has any power over me, trials you are facing are never out of my control, always were in my hands, always will be. I provide you with all you need and more to face them, and in the end I make them end up for your good.- what power does Satan and trouble have against Him?! He truly has overcome it! (which is probably a bad interpretation of what that verse means, but it’s a train of thought it took me on.)

I just sigh and smile when I remember those promises, because when I remember them, I feel relief, rest and security again…nothing can shake me, I’m belong to Jesus. And even better, is that my security isn’t in my mum, my friends, my family, or anything it was in before,- it’s in God, simply because there’s nothing else that’s standing strong except Him. See, already good is coming. I have hope!

(I’m so sorry for whoever is reading this, if you even persevered to the end, because this is such an unorganized unloading of thoughts and feelings...they don’t hold much value to anyone except me. Thanks for whoever took the time out to read it.)

here's a song that pretty much sums up what I feel right now...

I have a shelter in the storm
When troubles pour upon me
Though fears are rising like a flood
My soul can rest securely

O Jesus, I will hide in You
My place of peace and solace
No trial is deeper than Your love
That comforts all my sorrows

I have a shelter in the storm
When all my sins accuse me
Though justice charges me with guilt
Your grace will not refuse me

O Jesus, I will hide in You
Who bore my condemnation
I find my refuge in Your wounds
For there I find salvation

I have a shelter in the storm
When constant winds would break me
For in my weakness, I have learned
Your strength will not forsake me

O Jesus, I will hide in You
The One who bears my burdens
With faithful hands that cannot fail
You’ll bring me home to heaven

El Fin de Espanola

Yay for the end of Spanish, spanish vocab lists, spanish tenses, spanish exams and everything associated with Spanish! That is, until next week when we start the long and torturing journey of AS. What fun. No, seriously, today four years of spanish lessons, oral tests and embarassing moments paid off when I completed my GCSE Spanish, a small achievement for most, but for the likes of me, whose thoughts are often confined to the small and simple, it's a memorable day.

And it got me thinking, especially with the year 11's leaving next week including my best friend (which is the equivalent of the sun fizzling out and the world's ending), about how inconstant life is, how inconstant I am! In year 7 when I started out this Spanish course I never dreamed that by the time I finished it I would be where I am now. When I started the Spanish course- I had a family- mum, dad, sister, brother, - the lot. These days it's just me and my dad chillin in da house, mum's AWOL off on some moral bender I cannot begin to comprehend, leaving life behind in tatters. I know it's a common story- and people these days are not so surprised to hear about these things, but when it happens to you, you realise what a tragedy it really is when a marriage and a family God brought together is split apart because of sin.

This is a very lighthearted take on some very deep feelings, because it's late and I'm tired but I feel in a "profound" mood and I want to write something.

But the verse, "And we know that for those who love God, that is, for those who are called according to his purpose, all things are working together for good.", is one that keeps popping into my head. And it just staggers me. It really does. Because these days are the hardest of my life so far, seeing things I never ever ever ever ever (x1000) imagined I'd see- the deepest sadness I've ever known, the greatest anger, darkest despair...it's all working together for good!

Not the anger, despair etc- but the situation that causes those feelings... its working together for good. And I wish I could write about that verse in a way that does it justice, because it's just soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fantastic! How people who don't know Jesus survive in life, I will never know- when they reach that point of despair of "everythings ruined, there's no hope" and they don't have, "but I can trust God and be sure that this is sovereignly held in His control and is for my ultimate benefit", must be terrible. I'm so grateful my thoughts don't have to stop there.

And I know I can trust God- He is the same God now as He was at the beginning of my Spanish course, and now at the end, when myself and life has changed beyond recognition.
How many reasons He gives me to trust Him! And that is such a comfort.

This probably made no sense- it is now exactly and hour and half past my normal bedtime and I woke up and six thirty this morning...but that's my thought of the day.
Over and out.