Fear of Man

Well, I've been thinking, which usually doesn't turn out well when it comes to me...but ah well.

Last week, exactly a week ago actually, I officialy left WICs (my school). And it just doesnt seem real at all. I cant believe its all finished. And the more I think about it, the more I get this horrible feeling that I didn't make the most out of it while I was there.

Pretty much the whole four years I've been there I've been in a struggle against my fear of man and pride. Thats basically all it is. I'm not quiet by choice. I just feel completely tied down and unable to break out of the habit. At times its been really horrible to be honest.

I came from homeschooling, straight into a school situation that was completely new to me and it took a while to get into the hang of how everything social worked. Having always been a little unsure of myself, (coupled with a morbid fear of James Graham), it just seemed easier to keep quiet, especially when I had Anna and Bethany with me, with whom I had no inhibitions.

By the time I realised that I needed more than just one or two friends, I was so set in my habits that I found it daunting to try and break free of them. Everything I said seemed to sound so stupid, and to me, seemed to be brushed off by everybody I talked to. I was always having brief short moments of laughter and friendship with people, but I was never anybody's friend.

Now, I've been at the point where I've started measuring the success of my day by how well I did socially. I don't feel worth anything unless people think of me or want to talk to me.
and it is really really hard to involve yourself with people who just expect you to be the way you've always been. quiet. It's hard to work against a preconception. You don't know what to say, simply because no ones told you anything, or you havent been involved in anything that they have.

plus, jealousy doesnt help either. when you start viewing people as better than you- thats the killer. suddenly, you cant be anything they are not. You want their approval, - its not because I care so much if they flat out tell me they hate me or something,- its more that I want them to like me, and not just be indifferent to me.

and the stupid thing about all this is that it is all completely in my head. totally made up. just gradually built up over years of overthinking everything through. Plus, an awful lot of pride and self consciousness.
The worst thing is- I know exactly what it is. I know that there is no point to me feeling or thinking this way. That if my confidence is found in God alone, then nothing else matters, and the feeling of intimidation fades completely. But when you actually walk in through the door on a monday, your mind just goes blank. I cant think of anything remotely interesting to say. Which, if you follow the whole twisted thing through, leads to the prideful assumption that I am not an interesting person, therefore no one is interested in me, therefore I am only just tolerated, but never actually required in anyones life. Nobody needs me. They would get on just fine without me.

Which of course, if I was thinking the way I should, prompts the question; so what? So what if no one needs me? what does it matter? So what if no one thinks of me when they organise a film night? So what if no one notices I sit around the lunch circle until a year after I joined it? this is all just self pity isnt it?
and I hate self pity. and I am the worst self pitier in the world.
Sometimes I really despise my heart, and the way I think.
which is good, because at least I have an accurate assesment of what I am.
But I'm sort of missing the second part of the story. Or I'm missing its application.

If my happiness, peace and contentment is forever defined by what other people think of me, or how I think that they think of me, or what social succes I have, or how close a friend I am to people, or anything like that really... I'm in for one heck of an uncomfortable life.

If my happiness, peace and contentment is defined by how well life is going for me, my situations, my family my circumstances, same thing applies.

"as surely as sparks fly upward, man is born to trouble."

My confidence, security and purpose has GOT to be outside of myself. Its got to be objective, not subjective. I cannot put my hope in things that will change. because then, along with them, the succes and failure of my hopes will too. which is all just logical thinking really.

So, it seems so simple. God is neverfailing, never changing, always faithful. He is a sure foundation for all my hope.

"my hope rests firm on Jesus Christ."

But when people seem bigger than you to God, suddenly this option does not seem so good.
When you value peoples opinions more than Gods; when you start living for the audience of people rather than the audience of one; it seems as though putting your hope entirely in God is second best. when people are bigger, you don't find your confidence in God. You desire their good approval more than you desire God's.
therefore, as people change, so does your confidence.

story of my life.

so the logical conclusion:

God has got be the only one I serve.
He has got be the only one I live for, the only one I seek to please.
Jesus has got to be the centre.
It's got to be all or nothing.

But at the same time, I dont want myself to determine to strive to put Jesus the centre of everything for the sake of my confidence, peace and happiness. surely, thats not right.
A selfish motive for living purely for God?
What a total MESS I've got myself into.
I don't know what to do.
sometimes I think about becoming a monk and cutting myself off from people until I learn the lesson to depend on God only.
Joking, by the way.
But I can kind of see the advantage.

Sometimes I just wish I was Janelle. =(

Anyway, I really felt like ordering all of this in my head.
if anyone read through it all the way to the end they deserve a medal.
I'm confident God will work in me and change me.
I guess I'll wait and see what he does.
x