I Love God!

Today has been a really hard day, in fact: most of the week has, and the whole year pretty much.
Today I finished school, end of year ten, looking ahead to year eleven, which I still can’t quite believe.
The place I am in life at this moment is so different to how I imagined it would be.
My family live in two houses, my best friends are heading that way too, moving out of the country even…
I know so many people go through these things all the time, and much worse.
Yet, it doesn’t make anything any easier.

Everything is so twisted at the moment.
I never ever thought I would be able to cope with divorcing parents, and now my two best friends who have been with me through it all, are leaving! Not only has Anna left the school, which was big enough for as it was (it seemed almost bigger to me that it did to her!), and now Bethany has left too. She said a tearful goodbye to everyone today, to the teachers, and I still can’t believe it could be the end. I’m beyond upset about it. I love them both so much, although I can’t communicate that fact very well to them, I wish they knew just how much I will miss them.

My old life is so far away from me I can’t even see it.
And while my mum’s off squandering her time in abject sin, all I can think about is the things we are all missing, as I’m surrounded by families and the life they have… I realise how much I loved what I’ve now lost. I imagine what it would be like to have that back for a day…and how much I would savour having a pure, whole, secure family again…how much more I would appreciate it.
And I pray every night to have it back…knowing that God really can do everything, everything I don’t think is possible.

My mum is beyond recognition, the relationship we had is in pieces, from my end anyway.
I really miss the feeling of being loved, and valued, and having confidence in her.
I really really really HATE what she’s done. And I feel the consequences everyday, while she’s living a life of seemingly bliss…with a “family” and everything. My only consolation is that it won’t endure, it really won’t.

I’ve been listening to the song I chose as a kind of “theme” song last year, the day before school started. (It's "Faithful: Brooke Fraser") The summer before was the one mum had moved out and everything was still new and fresh. As I was on my own in the house, sat in the living room sorting my bag for school, with the song playing loudly from the computer room, I said to myself… “this year is going to be really hard, but you have just got to keep trusting God, even when you feel the opposite, and the days get harder and harder to maintain a happy heart, and a hope for the future.” And, although the times I’ve failed are beyond count, and the hardness of my heart, and all the wrong decisions I made, when I put other things above Him are horrible to recall, I’m still here, still trusting, I’m so grateful to God that He kept me.

Praise God that in all these hard times He is constant!!! One thing I throw my whole weight against and He will not shift!!!!!!! And he works all things for good!!!!! For good!
Such worn out phrases- sometimes the words don’t mean much, but the understanding and the concept of what they mean to me is so powerful and so beautiful, I can’t explain how thankful I am to God, and how encouraging He is to me. He’s given me a hope for the future, that no trial now can take away.

A wonderful verse that has been coming to mind a lot recently is, “In this world you will have tribulation, but take heart, I have overcome the world.”

It almost feels like a throwaway comment, like saying, “as if the world has any power over me, trials you are facing are never out of my control, always were in my hands, always will be. I provide you with all you need and more to face them, and in the end I make them end up for your good.- what power does Satan and trouble have against Him?! He truly has overcome it! (which is probably a bad interpretation of what that verse means, but it’s a train of thought it took me on.)

I just sigh and smile when I remember those promises, because when I remember them, I feel relief, rest and security again…nothing can shake me, I’m belong to Jesus. And even better, is that my security isn’t in my mum, my friends, my family, or anything it was in before,- it’s in God, simply because there’s nothing else that’s standing strong except Him. See, already good is coming. I have hope!

(I’m so sorry for whoever is reading this, if you even persevered to the end, because this is such an unorganized unloading of thoughts and feelings...they don’t hold much value to anyone except me. Thanks for whoever took the time out to read it.)

here's a song that pretty much sums up what I feel right now...

I have a shelter in the storm
When troubles pour upon me
Though fears are rising like a flood
My soul can rest securely

O Jesus, I will hide in You
My place of peace and solace
No trial is deeper than Your love
That comforts all my sorrows

I have a shelter in the storm
When all my sins accuse me
Though justice charges me with guilt
Your grace will not refuse me

O Jesus, I will hide in You
Who bore my condemnation
I find my refuge in Your wounds
For there I find salvation

I have a shelter in the storm
When constant winds would break me
For in my weakness, I have learned
Your strength will not forsake me

O Jesus, I will hide in You
The One who bears my burdens
With faithful hands that cannot fail
You’ll bring me home to heaven